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We get it, you’re getting married…

June 28, 2010


Behind these doors awaits Hell on Earth...


I think I am against weddings, if only because an end to weddings would mean saving all the rest of us from bachelorette parties.  Why does the fact that you are getting married mean you get to run around with all of your friends who are less successful at finding some poor dude to put up with them than you are, acting like total jackasses all night?  I try to avoid Lower Broadway for this very reason.  I’ve never been to The Stage without some group of women celebrating the fact that one of them actually managed to get engaged shoving me out of the way so that they could take their giant inflatable novelty dick closer to the band.  It really is quite obnoxious.

However, I think this weekend probably takes the cake for annoying bachelorette parties.  A bunch of us went out to see Tracy Morgan do stand-up at Zanies, and despite standing in the rain for about an hour until they opened the doors, we were all really pumped for the show.  Shortly before we all walked in, some enormous Hummer limousine pulls up, and before I took a moment to realize the obvious, I ask, “Who the hell still rides around in one of those?”  And of course, within seconds, out comes a group of Snookie wannabes in single file like one of those clowns in the Volkswagen acts.  Although this group was way more likely to give me nightmares.

When the bride got out of the limo, she gave us some sob story about how she and the rest of her buddies wouldn’t be able to sit together if they were in the back of the line, so she offered to pay $20 for each of us that they had to cut in front of.  When she was finally able to count to 120 on her fingers, she decided just to give us $40, which was still enough to buy a round of Miller Lites for the table, so we weren’t complaining.

We got into the club and the bridezilla-to-be seemed a little annoyed to have to remove her penis-covered bridal veil (Zanies policy), and the whole crew talked all the way through the second comedian’s act, eventually bearing the brunt of an expletive-laden series of insults.  It was comedic justice at its finest.

Oh yeah, Tracy Morgan was very strange.  And very high.  And very awesome!  His act was almost as funny as I can imagine it would be to see the look on the groom-in-waiting’s face when he realizes he just married into the cast of Nashville Shore.

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